I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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