What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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