When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im holly from the hills drunk
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
