You can't special order awesome
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
