He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
