The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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