The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
