she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
