how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
