I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize