I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
