So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
