You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
