you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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