Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
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