i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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