I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem