someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.