I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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