If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
