i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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