So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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