it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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