I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
