I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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