I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
