I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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