The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
