I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
