i just made my gag reflex go away.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
