so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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