That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
