DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
babies were throwing up all over the place
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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