Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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