Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I supernannyed him into submission
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
