and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
