he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
