so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
