dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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