This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
