I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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