I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
