whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize