Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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