I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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