Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
