the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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