Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
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the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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