you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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