I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
