FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
