I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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