how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
