I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
