Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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