I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
