Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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