Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
