Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
